By Melina Filippidou

Turn back on home

This week the school will be closed and we’ll be getting some rest. It’s pretty much themiddle of the year and a pause makes sense for many reasons. It’s a chance to take a breath,to prepare and reflect, to brace ourselves for season 2, to travel and consume culture or“collect dots” according to the SCA vocabulary. Therefore it was supposed to be a goodchance for me to fly back home, especially since this is the week of Carnival in Greece andit’s a lot of fun for those we wish to collect dots, amongst other stuff. What we do in fact iswe take an old tradition, we soak it in alcohol and then we sacrifice it on the altar ofconsumerism. We have a great time doing it, plus we prove to ourselves and to othercountries that we belong indeed to the west world.But I decided not to go. Not because of the work I have to do but because once I’m there it’shard to leave. Last time I visited over Christmas holiday, my pre-SCA life was there waitingfor me with open arms, and I found it very easy to get used to it again, and very difficult tolet it go when I had to. I couldn’t let go of the warmth. The warmth of my home, the warmthof the sun, the warmth of the food, the hugs, the people who were happy just to see me.There are many definitions of home and my least favorite is the one that refers to homecountries. I find it conservative, lazy and widely inaccurate. But right now it makes perfectsense to me. However it feels so weird to miss the same country that pushed me away. It’sconfusing how the country that used to make me feel so insecure about my future has nowbecome synonymous to safety. I know it’s probably nostalgia goggles although I didn’texpect nostalgia to visit me so soon. After all it’s only been 5 months.In September I came in London with a big goal. By December I already had a new big goaland three smaller ones. Then I went back home, felt cozy, safe, loved and the realization ofwhat I had been missing those four months became clearer than ever. The last day of theChristmas break, I was reflecting on my goals while packing and suddenly they seemed twiceas hard. I can’t afford to have this feeling more than once this year because it holds me backwhen I actually need to accelerate. So half term finds me in London, making my first officialsacrifice for my goals: turning my back on warmth. It may seem like overreacting but it’s notlike I ’m going to avoid Greece forever. These last months have been very intenseemotionally and I need some distance until I figure out how to deal with all these intenseand occasionally mixed emotions without jeopardizing the logic of my goals. It’ll be fine. Iguess.