Marc 1 Jane 0 – By @JaneyLbarker

Marc 1 Jane 0

Beginning something new can lead to one of two emotions: excitement or fear.

I think anyone reading this will know exactly where they sit. And I comfortably sit in the chair of fear. I say comfortably because I use this fear as a cosy cushion-like coping mechanism.

It’s simple really and it goes like this…

Step 1: Worry about making a start

Step 2: Avoid making a start

Step 3: Worry some more about making a start

Step 4: Try and take a tiny step forward towards making a start

Step 5: Distract yourself from making a start

Step 6: Feel incredibly guilty about not making a start

Step 7: Worry about all of the above and you know where I am going with this is…

AVOID making any kind of constructive start.

Right now, I’m writing my first SCAB post so I’m currently around step 4. But knowing myself quite well I would have a) deleted all of the above or b) skipped straight to stage 5

*** dials local Thai takeaway

3 and half hours later…

Predictable I know. But this behaviour seems to be ingrained in me.

Now I wouldn’t want to give the impression of having no self-discipline (regardless of eating every last prawn cracker) or even worse being lazy (I promise I do cook occasionally), because I don’t think that’s the case. This habitual hesitation seems more like a deep-rooted fear and one that I’ve carried with me for a long time.

And so, I keep coming back to a line in Marc’s email that says; ‘how have hacked your behaviours and processes, to bring the best version of yourself to your studies’ and I’m still very much trying to figure that out. But I do know that I need to start embracing that fear of failure.

Marc even dropped this hint to me on my first phone call interview. I told him that I hated to write poetry and he picked up on this remark straight away and asked me why that was? Without any hesitation, I told him the blunt truth which was that I was absolutely crap. I mean awful, shocking and he replied, “well what are you going to do when I or someone else tells you that your work is crap?"

Long pause - mild panic.

Touché: Marc 1 Jane 0

I answered him frantically and explained that I took criticism very well, I mean, after all, I was my own worst critic. But, looking back on this exchange now I realise that Marc wasn’t just looking at how I handled criticism but actually how I handled taking on tasks that I was afraid of failing at! Gosh! I think he knows me better than I know myself.

So that’s where I’m at, trying to take the plunge and throw myself at any task that I’m afraid of failing.

[Opens Illustrator] and for once I’m going to try my hardest and refrain from [Closing illustrator]

Over and out.