Why I left Comedy Class @EmmaBrianchon

By Emma BrianchonToday I decided to drop comedy class. It is something that I don’t have the habit to do, drop something. Usually, I’m tenacious enough to go to the end of things and challenge myself, sometimes not in the best ways.So why did I do that?To be honest, it’s really difficult for me to find what made me cry so much, want to throw up that bad and having heart palpitations as I had before panic attacks. Maybe it can be surprising for some of you, but I am terribly self-conscious and deeply insecure about myself.I have been in depression during almost half of my life, and I am slowly trying to get back into writing.I used to write a lot, mostly about my dark thoughts and feelings. I had so many notebooks, blogs, flying papers everywhere. It was therapeutic.When I started school, I couldn’t write anything else but my darkest thoughts. And writing Scabs was my nightmare.Nevertheless, today, with the help of Deanna, Caroline, and Vikki, I am starting to be more confident about what I write, and, step by step, I manage to dis-attach myself from the words I put on paper. More inspiration comes to me, and I’m even thinking of starting to write a thriller novel.But putting myself in front of 10 people, I am still not able to do so. My body starts to shake, endless tears fill my eyes, and my stomach twists. I just want to dig my own hole and hide inside.I kept reinventing myself every 6 months, going from a city to city, or country to country, every time with revealing the same me but to new people.I guess it’s just the thought of exposing myself under the spotlight, showing something I thought, I wrote, or just being vulnerable and give away to people the ability to judge me – not that people don’t judge me in general, I’m not that candid – just terrifies me.It’s a little piece of me almost naked, that is in front of you. It’s a little piece of me up there which I am not yet ready to show.And it is already too much to bear. It sounds even sillier when I write it down now. The fact is that I don’t want to make people laugh, I don’t want to see their faces. I think I might be a little too much empathetic because I can read the expression and the body language of people quite easily. It’s sometimes really difficult because it is like reading people’s minds. And I am not strong enough to endure that yet. I wish I could say I gave my best shot. But deep inside, I know it’s not true. I’ve done theatre and performance for at least 5 years, and trust me, I was totally okay endorsing someone else’s character and play a role. And, I was quite good at that, and super confident.The exhibition of myself the stand-up class brings me is just too big to handle right now, and even tho I think I am over depression, I think I still have to reconnect totally first with writing before being able to handle an exposure of what I could call myself – a fraud.