By Twyla Liden

Clammy Hands

So here’s the deal. Clammy hands. What to do about them? Either you got them or you don’t. Either you feel it or you don’t. I’ve been blessed with the clammy hand syndrome. It’s great. I love shaking hands because I’m real good at it, but damn does myclammy hands get in the way. There are three different ways my handshakes can go down; Perfectly. It’s dry as a desert. My hand is firm as a fish. The shake is steadyas a steamroller. Moderately well. I do the cupping technique. You form a lil cave with your hand. Theother person will 100% know I’m hiding something. But I save themfrom drowning in the tsunami of hand sweat I have produced. Every. Fucking. Time. We’re approaching each other. You’re an ECD. I’m a fart in space. We’ve locked eyes and my hand automatically goes for the preparationwipe on my trousers. You see what I’ve done, I see that you’ve seenwhat I’ve done. There’s no turning back. My hand leaves the comfortof my absorbent trousers and reaches out, in hopes of getting acouple of extra seconds of drying time. Your hand touches mine, and the deed is done. I retract my hand inshame and break eye contact. You smile awkwardly trying to pretendthis didn’t just happen and we never shake hands again. We saygoodbye with a respectful non-physical head nod and get on with ourlives. But you know what, half of the time, the person opposite me has justas clammy hands, and it brings me joy. Also, when mi hands aresweating it means I’m nervous, so technically you should take it asa compliment next time you embrace a clammy hand. It’s a sign ofrespect. Be thankful. If you think clammy hands are gross, take a second to think, why arethey gross? Really though, why? I would understand if the clam juice actuallysmelled just like clam juice, but it doesn’t. Have you ever smelled a clammy hand? I sure haven’t. Just saying.