By Alex Bottner
I have been suffering from writer’s block with this SCAB.
I have tried writing about: how pistachios are a mindful comfort food, a ream of papers-worth of scamps that I don’t know where to store in my flat, and killing idea babies (that one got weird…)
For this SCAB, I present me reacting to my attempts at a SCAB:
1. Pistachios – Mindful Comfort Eating sounds like a Goop article.
The sound of a pistachio shell cracking open is more satisfying than hearing the ocean through a conch. Maybe being a bit ridiculous will lead to a better idea.
Cracking the shells gives your hands purpose as your mind tries to crack a brief in the eleventh hour. Must find a synonym for crack… what’s similar to crack? Crackcrackcrack.
Before you know it, you have created a pyramid mound consisting of shells. Very observational.
But, on the bright side, you get no sugar rush and the satisfaction of feeling full… but part of you kind of wishes that you didn’t feel so full so that you can keep snacking. Insightful, Alex. Very insightful.
I scamped so much during the half term, that I have a reams-worth of paper stored under my coffee table. *Subtle brag*
I don’t know where to put them in my tiny flat, so I end up just shifting them from room to room when I have guests over. It looks like I’m in the beginning stage of becoming a hoarder.
This is just from one week. How many are there going to be at the end of the year?
3. Idea Babies
Lots of ugly idea babies were killed this week. A bit offensive.
It would have been cruel to have kept them alive. They would have had a slim chance of survival in the real world.
Brixton is one of the toughest places to keep the conception of an idea alive. Only the strongest survive. What am I trying to say here?
Don’t even bother walking into a reggae record store if you can’t stand up for your child. We tell the trendy record guy behind the desk, “we’re advertising students. We’d like Techniks to get retired people back into collecting records”.
“But what’s in it for Techniks? Old people already know what they like. You’re not going to convince them to suddenly start.”
Me and my partner had a tough time getting over it. It’s hard losing your first child. We had our time to grieve and try again. Have I gone too far with this metaphor? This would probably freak out my partner. It really wasn’t that dramatic of an experience.
It took a few tries to get to the idea that had a chance at standing on its own two feet.
It was four days behind the desired delivery date, but it was worth waiting for. We could have used a bit more time getting it ready show it to the world, but the miracle of conceiving made us proud. This metaphor has definitely gone too far.
I’m killing this SCAB baby.
If you’ve made it to the end of these cringe SCABS, I commend you. But also, you need to get a life.