By Emma Brianchon
Today I decided to drop comedy class. It is something that I don’t have the habit to do, drop something. Usually, I’m tenacious enough to go to the end of things and challenge myself, sometimes not in the best ways.
So why did I do that?
To be honest, it’s really difficult for me to find what made me cry so much, want to throw up that bad and having heart palpitations as I had before panic attacks. Maybe it can be surprising for some of you, but I am terribly self-conscious and deeply insecure about myself.
I have been in depression during almost half of my life, and I am slowly trying to get back into writing.
I used to write a lot, mostly about my dark thoughts and feelings. I had so many notebooks, blogs, flying papers everywhere. It was therapeutic.
When I started school, I couldn’t write anything else but my darkest thoughts. And writing Scabs was my nightmare.
Nevertheless, today, with the help of Deanna, Caroline, and Vikki, I am starting to be more confident about what I write, and, step by step, I manage to dis-attach myself from the words I put on paper. More inspiration comes to me, and I’m even thinking of starting to write a thriller novel.
But putting myself in front of 10 people, I am still not able to do so. My body starts to shake, endless tears fill my eyes, and my stomach twists. I just want to dig my own hole and hide inside.
I kept reinventing myself every 6 months, going from a city to city, or country to country, every time with revealing the same me but to new people.
I guess it’s just the thought of exposing myself under the spotlight, showing something I thought, I wrote, or just being vulnerable and give away to people the ability to judge me – not that people don’t judge me in general, I’m not that candid – just terrifies me.
It’s a little piece of me almost naked, that is in front of you. It’s a little piece of me up there which I am not yet ready to show.
And it is already too much to bear. It sounds even sillier when I write it down now. The fact is that I don’t want to make people laugh, I don’t want to see their faces. I think I might be a little too much empathetic because I can read the expression and the body language of people quite easily. It’s sometimes really difficult because it is like reading people’s minds. And I am not strong enough to endure that yet. I wish I could say I gave my best shot. But deep inside, I know it’s not true. I’ve done theatre and performance for at least 5 years, and trust me, I was totally okay endorsing someone else’s character and play a role. And, I was quite good at that, and super confident.
The exhibition of myself the stand-up class brings me is just too big to handle right now, and even tho I think I am over depression, I think I still have to reconnect totally first with writing before being able to handle an exposure of what I could call myself – a fraud.