What have you been googling?  – By @danieljburkitt

Marc lewis | April 28, 2019

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By Dan Burkitt

What have you been googling? 

 

I am going to answer the most googled questions about me. Will we learn anything? Will it be entertaining? Only one way to find out! Read on to discover the answers to the questions you’ve been too afraid to ask me in person. 

 

What is dan… short for?

 

It’s actually short for Dannis, which is unfortunate. My grandfathers were called Dennis and Daniel and a compromise was reached. I got some serious wedgies when the kids in primary school found out.

 

What if dan… -druff shampoo doesn’t work? 

 

Well I think you should probably call 111 or see a doctor. You need to sort that shit out. No one wants you flaking all over them on the bus, you disgusting, dusty-scalped monster. 

 

Why is dan… gossip girl?

 

Spoiler alert. I have watched a couple of episodes of that show, but I never really understood what was going on. It was just loads of rich, white people in soft focus, looking at each other with longing in their eyes, wasn’t it? 

 

How is dan… doing?

 

Yeah not bad thanks mate not too bad can’t complain really everything’s fine not too shabby life’s pretty sweet at the minute thanks for asking mate how you doing? 

 

Where is dan… from? 

 

My parents found me when I was a baby. I was left on their doorstep by an old gay man with long white hair and half-moon glasses and a big hairy bloke on a flying motorbike. They never told me what happened to my real parents. 

 

Should dan… -ce be considered a sport?

 

That’s a very good question. I think the athleticism required for dance probably means it does qualify as a sport. Rhythmic gymnastics at the olympics is essentially dance and that looks pretty tough. It may surprise you to learn that I am not a very good dancer. I look like someone’s electrocuted a cheesestring when I do my thing on the dfloor.

 

Would dan… date you?

 

If you sort out that dandruff situation then yeah we can go for a drink, why not. 

 

Will dan… and phil be at vidcon 2019?

 

@philgull what d’you reckon mate? I’ve heard they might be screening our AJ Bell portfolio brief. We could make an appearance. 

 

Could dan… run for president?

 

SCA has taught me how to capture the hearts and minds of the public in order to sell them biscuits and gambling. So maybe I could put those skills to use in order to sell them tax and environmental policies instead. A man can dream. And I would like all that lovely power. 

 

How did dan… make his money?

 

I have had a couple of jobs in my time. I can send you my CV if you’d like the full details. My most recent job was working as bartender at Lords cricket ground. I was serving old boys in linen suits champagne and boiled egg sandwiches. (I mean those two things separately. They haven’t created a champagne sandwich filling). And that’s how I made my millions. 

 

The end. 

 

Well that was fun, wasn’t it?! I hope you feel like you know me a little bit better now. And in future just ask – as they say, there are no stupid questions, only stupid answers.