By Ben Conway

Two for the price of none.

I’m lacking motivation. The energy we were sold, that we should have already bought and taken out, isn’t there. I feel indifferent about writing this SCAB because so much is done in doing, not saying.

We need to feed off of each other, but if there is no food, then something has to starve. These feelings came about from falling out of routine. Which makes it sound like I had a routine to start with. I’ve quickly realised that discipline isn’t as easy as a chat with myself internally. I feel like an old man that retired at 59 and has nothing to do in the daytime.

A habit I need to break is leaving SCA knowing what I need to do. I will clear the Victoria line and pump myself up, to then deflate like a lead balloon when I get home to start the next day with no foundation to work off of. That’s my biggest peeve against myself. Nothing is better than knowing you have a step up before you start tomorrow.

I’ve gone into the new term in one of these situations again. I found myself taking too many breaks and slacking off. Truthfully I’m at odds with myself, which I know other Johns have spoken about.

More than anything I’m at turmoil with art direction and copywriting. I came to SCA knowing that visuals excite me more, and now I’m in a position where it comes at a 50:50 with writing. Which is why I feel like I need to commit in a battle between enjoyment and work. D+AD fuels this insecurity even more. But I feel like it’s helping me understand the process more and get a grip. A grip would be good right now.

But it’s all tripe. Every opportunity is one to make up lost ground. I’ve been told that I make excuses, so after writing all of this it would make no surprise if I’m finally admitting to myself what’s wrong, I can start making things right. Really right. No more anniversaries for forgotten SCABs when a new one comes around.

I purposely titled this SCAB what it is, because I hear my classmates feel like they are being torn in multiple directions. It’s a bit more binary for me. It’s one or two. Yes or no. Good or bad. Decisions aren’t plaguing me with anxiety. Maybe I need a bit more anxiety in my life.

xo