By Alfie Hardman
The mohawks are becoming mullets
My male friends are losing their hair. Attempts have been made to have a front on comb down but it’s all too clear when looking at their new LinkedIn profiles. Some have embraced their fate and opted to shave it all off. But it seems a bigger commitment than that. It’s as if getting Dr Martins, braces and Fred Perry polos are also part of the deal.
Others have made up lost ground by fighting a new front this time on their face in the form of a beard. Sad to say the majority look like a down and out version of the LA rapper Pitbull. With one particular pal its retreating as fast as the Brits did in Dunkirk. Those little hairs one by one fleeing across a sea of scalp. Some little hairs making heroic stands of resistance yet as the naval commander says in Christopher Nolan’s film “they’re going to get picked off like fish in a barrel”.
The states from Mens Health are that most men go bald so if my tone strikes you as cocky or even ever so slightly joyous, you could not be more wrong. Science tells us that you need to keep your eyes on the X chromosome that can only be inherited from your mother’s side. I should add that most of my mums side of the family are either bald or balding so I know my time will come (but allow me to rejoice maybe a little), perhaps not for 20 or so years but boy, my time will come and when it does I can only pray that I have a suitable collection of beanies (I’m “blessed” with hugely elfish ears, one reason why on my birth certificate I’m A[E]lfie.) to see me through my years.
As well as this there is also a tendency in my family to go grey early, which unless you are George Clooney can also bring moments of utter self-pity. Thankfully buying cheap hair dye from Tesco is easier than forking out for a trip to the Belgravia Center. However, it still puts a little fear into the eyes of those friends with a full set of hair. Their all dyeing it ridiculous colours… okay its mostly the ones from Brighton but it’s as if it’s the last song and dance before balding banality.
The reality is more. We are obviously getting older, diaries are becoming thicker and its harder to see one another. On the occasions we do we are all so eager to tell each other our progress in getting jobs, getting fired and getting re-hired that we don’t even get around to discussing who the more bad-ass is out of Bruce Willis or Chuck Norris.
I am now going to take the time to say, thanks Bruce – you’ve shown men they can be bald, bad-ass, have creative flair and still have an open sweetness that a lot of men sadly feel they can’t show.
I’ll leave you with the definition of a mullet.
The mullets or grey mullets are a family(Mugilidae) of ray-finned fish found worldwide in coastal temperate and tropical waters, and some species in fresh water. Mullets have served as an important source of food in Mediterranean Europe since Roman times. The family includes about 78 species in 20 genera.
So, as you can see my friends you (maybe soon to be we) are not alone.