The Last Before The First – By @ritarriera

jessica gough jessicagough | September 12, 2017

Posted in Blog, Front, Keep

By Rita Riera Pastallé

 

 

THE LAST BEFORE THE FIRST

 

Lately I’ve been thinking about how am I going to remember this day a few years from now. Will I think I was too innocent? Too unexperienced? Far from who I may become?

This is the last SCAB before starting SCA and I can’t feel anything except incredible excitement. There are days that change your life, refflection points. Some of them you know they are important and sometimes you realize about them later on.

Tomorrow is not the day that will change everything, but the day where a new me starts to grow. Who’s she gonna be?

I am incredibly attracted to uncertainty. I feel its magnetism and always try to decrypt it. This makes me feel so intrigued about myself as to how am I going to change. Will it all be for the better? Will I abandon some parts of me that I shouldn’t?

If you’re someone who loves uncertainty you also are an overthinker, because you wonder about all those things you don’t know.

 

Thinking about uncertainty can also drive you to an abstract state of mind. You tend not to think anything concrete and stick with general ideas. That’s probably why I still haven’t finished the book list and I’m writing this SCAB anyway. You think and think and sometimes don’t get anywhere.

 

Anyway, after thinking about things that I won’t know until they actually happen, I’ve realized that It’s been stupid to do so. People get lost wondering about the future and so have I. So I’ve decided that from now on I’m going to change that. It doesn’t make sense picturing the future in abstract but in concrete. So I’m going to write every important fact that happens to me and about how I feel this could change me in the future (or how it’s already changed me) so I don’t get lost in useless thoughts -not this year, at least-. So here I start.

 

Things that have changed me recently:

 

Getting accepted to SCA: I worked hard in a presentation that had everything I felt that represented me, and by doing that I started to know more about who I think I am.

 

Traveling across the USA: Normally I am an extremely chaotic person. Way too much. But by planning this trip I realized I can be organized if I am truly motivated (now I have to learn how to be organized without the motivation, but that’s another matter). It seems a very simple thing, but I’ve always been chaos and created it and for me it’s been a huge achievement.

 

Quitting physics: This is not recent but still worthy of mention. I had been studying a degree in physics for two years and I quit. I don’t want to think about it as quitting because I truly believe I am going to finish that degree at some point when I’m older, but I left. I always finish everything and I left anyway. Even I’m chaotic I hate giving up because I feel it’s because I’m not good enough. But I learnt that sometimes is okay to think that you’ve made a wrong decision or that you simply need to change what you’re doing because you feel that is not your place to be. I love physics and I love maths but I kept imagining myself as a mediocre professional because I couldn’t be as good as I’d wished to. I’ve learned a lot from being able to let go something that I really love.

 

Winning a Scholarship at SCA: this one has taught me something bad about myself that I want to change. After applying I couldn’t stop thinking about what ‘the others’ would say. For those that don’t know what this is about, my scholarship entry defended the right of the Catalan people to hold a referendum for independence. When I realized people from my country were talking about it I started to think how my environment would react. This is a very polemic matter in Spain and I couldn’t help getting really worried about what family, friends and strangers would think about me and my project. I had been insulted and still am for what I did and until now -two months later- I haven’t given a f*** about what disrespectful people say about it. Thanks to winning the scholarship I’ve had the strength I needed to understand that controversial ideas are the ones that make a difference.

 

Moving to London: This has been life-changing and I’ve only been here for two months now. I’ve moved in with my boyfriend and we’re starting to know each other more than ever. I’ve said goodbye to my parents and had a fresh start, which I’ve realized I needed. I’ve missed people and places I thought I wouldn’t and vice-versa because being away from home makes you wonder where your home really is.

 

For now this is are some of the things that have changed me recently and probably will change me even more in the future. I don’t know how am I going to be like in a year but I’ll keep track of it. Just in case I get lost in the question.

 

I think it’s time to go back to reading.