I wake up in the morning, head slightly groggy after one beer too many from the night before. I check the mirror, no need though as once again I’m looking good (If only the ladies could see me now). “You suave devil you” I think to myself, rifling through a sea of striped shirts until I find one that whispers “its friday baby”. After matching it with some chinos, a sophisticated combination that belies my tender years, I head to rustle up some breakfast. Ideally this would consist of freshly baked croissants for two (if you know what I mean) but alas this morning is just me. Not to worry, Taylor Swift never fails to lift my spirits. I’m enjoying it so much that she ends up providing the soundtrack all the way to school. As my head bops I think how alive and cool I must look.
This contemplation carries me into brixton and all the way to college. The morning flies by and all too soon I find myself brainstorming the multitude of places that I could visit for lunch. Today I’ve narrowed it down to Wahaca and Dim sum. Two worthy and delicious competitors but I think the Mexican has just swung it. My palate is in need of some mediterranean spice.
The bottle of red is reduced to mere dregs and before know it I’m gearing up for the weekly reflection slide. The room is captivated as I knew it would be. The only reason the applause doesn’t last longer is that it would make everybody else feel bad. I can respect that. I rally the troops and with advertising decibels in tow I enter the Market House, like Aragorn opening those big heavy doors in Lord of the Rings. “I can only stay for one so get me while i’m hot” I tell everybody. The crowd goes wild.
As one beer turns to three I decide to check my stock on Tinder. After a flurry of swiping it tells me that I have said yes to every woman in the surrounding 475 kilometres. I love it when they play hard to get! 6 more drinks and a casual £97 tab later the bar closes and I head home. I think I might whip up some truffle infused scrambled duck eggs before I go to bed.
…Who am I?