It is often said, particularly during times of heightened pressure, that we are our own worst enemies. We put undue emotional burden on ourselves because ultimately, we care how we are seen and perceived in society. Everything we produce is a reflection of ourselves – be it a painting, a song, or a shitty cup of instant coffee.
Even if the judgement actually only lasts a millisecond, our internal perception can sometimes maintain this judgment for much longer – hours, perhaps even days.
Why do I bring this up you ask?
Well, it has been well over three weeks since I received the Arduino through the post, and school is now only days away. I’m beginning to worry. I honestly feel like I’m no closer to producing a ground-breaking idea. And with every passing hour, I know I have to eventually settle on something.
Yes, I’ve done my research, and tested a number of sketches, but none have filled me with joy. Seemingly, if it isn’t a voice-activated football playing robot, it’s not going to be good enough – either for me, or Marc.
The problem lies in my self-doubt.
It just won’t let me settle on any idea. Sadly, my technical abilities don’t allow for such an adventurous project, and as such, I fear I’m going to look completely incompetent and/or lazy when it comes to revealing my final, rather pathetic project on Tuesday.
I know that the Arduino brief was designed to take us out of our comfort zone, and it’s certainly done that for me – but perhaps more in the struggle to overcome the self-doubt element, rather than the struggle to write code.
Once my final sketch is uploaded, I will feel no sense of achievement. My application to the brief won’t be represented in what I put forth next week, and that will be the biggest shame. I fear this brief has done more harm than good in my final preparations for school.
Then again, perhaps it has highlighted an area that needs most work – my ability to simply let go.
Alas, I realise that we are all in the same boat, and so, come Tuesday, I can promise you I won’t be judging any of you on how bad your projects may be, because I will be so consumed in my own besieged mind to notice.