By Alex Mawby
I am proud to announce that ahead of the general election in May I, Alexander J. Mawby, will be running as Member of Parliament for the School of Communication Arts.
Brixton’s first SCAMP.
Here be my manifesto:
- When I come to power, there will be a blanket ban on hashtags in campaigns. This ban can only be lifted for those who display excellent word play, or come up with a valid argument to prove anyone would ever use it #policy.
- The same goes for pop-up shops.
- And photo booths. Especially the pizza making variety.
- There will be toilet seats and round the clock maintenance, cleaning and general improvement of the men’s toilets.
- Winners of a thumbs up after a portfolio brief will be given the opportunity to choose a mystery prize from a lucky dip bag. This could be something nice like a Swedish massage, or something nasty like having to sit on Marc’s lap all day.
- Sainsbury’s meal deals will be subsidised by the government. They will now cost $2.99.
- Anyone who is late to school will no longer have to dance, this is a cruel and unusual punishment. Instead they will be put to work, putting lids back on sharpies that are drying up and talking to Honor in the office when she gets bored.
- There will be a gladiatorial, hunger-games esque competition for those who want first dibs on talking to ECD’s, Steve Henry and Pete.
- Placements will no longer be awarded on Portfolio Day based on a team’s book, but instead sold on the deep web and posted to the school inside baggies of ketamine.
- Dots will be more closely regulated and vetted. Going to the pub, watching House of Cards or only eating ready-meals for a month will no longer be accepted as a ‘dot’.
- The Market House is to become a fully recognised department of the School.
- Students will have to pray every morning in front of a shrine to the holy trinity of Bernbach, Krone and Abbott.
If these sound like the kind of policies you can get behind, vote for me on the 7th of May.
ALEX MAWBY FOR SCAMP – SKETCHY AT BEST