By Gary Gerardy
Hanging back. Stamping. Getting the last one. Running. Sweating. Jumping. Taking off. Flying. Speeding up. Not stopping. All in. Closing eyes. Swearing. Yelling. Crying. Breathing. Moments that you dread so hard but you never forget once youʼve done it. Kind of moments which are feared to be lived but feared to be not lived too. Moments that might give your biggest frights but also your biggest joys. Moments that just give you this feeling to be alive. Like really alive. Living for real. Because the opposite would be nothing or your death. Theoretically or physically.
I always have been like this. Opting for the non-regular way. Choosing the sketchy one. The one without any traces. Looking for shakes. Looking for sensations. Giving you the brief impression that everything stops turning around you. Providing you with some excitement with a bit of spicy. Feeling the edge. Dancing with the shape of danger. Flirting. Smiling. Almost falling. Getting away with a little smirk. Wanting some more. Always more. Never having enough. Always further. Always higher. Always deeper. It’s not a choice. It’s a requirement. Even more. A drug. Without bounces. Without fears. Without risks. Nothing to except. Too flat. Not worthy to be lived. Depression.
That is why the most important is not the ride but the landing. [«Mais le plus important, cʼest pas la chute; cʼest lʼatterrissage » – Matthieu Kasovticz.] Because if you want to be able to set off again you have to take care of your landing. Being sure that your lending is smooth and soft. That it wonʼt hurt you. That it wonʼt keep a part of you. That you will still be at least the same. If not better. Just ready for the next ride. Always looking for the next ride. This, especially if itʼs a need. Especially If you canʼt live without this necessity to feel alive to live.
So I donʼt know if its a gift or a poisoned chalice. A force or a weakness. For the moment Iʼm still struggling. To be fair this idea of little systemic routine without any speeding penalties or deviations allowed might scares me. At least it used to. I dare to hope that I grow up. And I dare to think that this need of adrenaline and need to live on the edge to be alive might be transformed in a creative and dynamic energy with which I will fill my work and my career.
The only thing I guess is to see this work as your biggest ride.
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