PARENTAL SKILLZ – By @twylaliden

Marc lewis | July 19, 2018

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By Twyla Liden

 

PARENTAL SKILLZ

I’m no fan of children. But if I ever change my mind and decide to have offspring of my own this is what I look forward to doing. Lying to my poor poor children.

I’ve asked around and here are some good/clever/mean/psychopathic lies people have been told by their loving parents:

‘Watermelons will grow in your stomach if you swallow the seeds.’ ‘Your eyes will become square if I watch too much tv.’

‘My dad used to tell me that if I didn’t wash my hands I would get strawberry bacteria between my toes. He said strawberries would start to grow there and not only that, they would taste like foot sweat.’

‘If you eat sunflower seeds you’ll be tall’
‘I can’t see when you turn the light in the back seat of the car on.’ ‘Kiwi makes whipped cream poisonous’
‘You un whip whipped cream if you stir the other way.’

‘My mother told me that my feelings control the weather. If I was angry there would be thunder etc. She also told me that I went cray cray every time it was a full moon. So if I was screaming or angry she’d pop her head out of the window and mutter ‘It must be a full moon again…’

‘I was told that when the ice cream truck song is on it means they’ve run out of ice cream.’ ‘Your face can get stuck when you pull faces.’

‘My dad told me he had a miniature orchestra in his car door and that’s where the music came from.’

‘My mom said they only named hurricanes after girls otherwise they would be himicanes.’ ‘My dad told me the rumble strips on the highway were for blind drivers.’

‘When we went to the store my mom used to tell me, ’Every time you touch something a kitten dies.’’

‘My grandma told us that smelling each other’s farts would make us stronger. Worst Christmas ever for us, funniest Christmas for her.‘

‘My flatmate grew up on a farm and was told by her parents that their TV only worked when it rained.’

‘My dad told me people only get 10,000 words per month. If you reach the limit, you can’t physically speak until the new month begins. Anytime I was especially talkative, dad would say, ‘Careful, you’re over 9,000 by now.’’

‘Grandma said: ‘If you wander off, the boogie man will kill you and make sausage out of you.’’

‘My mom told my brother and me that a penguin lived behind the fridge, and if we left the door open too long we’d steal his cold and he’d get mad and come out and bite us.’

‘My father told me that pears were apples from outer space.’

‘My father always said the animals on the side of the road were just taking a nap because the road was warm.’