New Year Reflection.

Ever have a moment where you suddenly see all your annoyances? A comment to a friend that resembles an old lady nagging her daughter. A thought about a stranger that if said aloud would make you a bad person. I have such epiphanies every month or so. Moments where I do something that strike a cord within, and reminds me that I’m not such a perfect soul after all. In fact I’m a being so full of irritating quirks I could rival Jedward. When this occurs to me, I then have the debate as to whether I’m just a horrible person through and through, so any sort of redemption or personal improvement is out of the question and I should just give up before I start. I tend to become quite dramatic when in these moods as you can tell. This inevitably leads me to upping any borderline offensive comments into a potentially self-destructive mode. I’m not sure if this is a phenomenon unique to me or if it’s wider spread but either way it’s an irritation I could do without. We’ve all got a tendency to be hard on ourselves, so this little voice pointing out specific times where you’ve acted like a twat doesn’t help. However, (thank god you think, the whining comes to an end) as I get older I’m starting to understand how clueless I am. Just when I think, yep I’ve got things sorted, bam I get sideswiped by a piece of advice. Either in real life or fantasy (films, books, other highly cultural activities) I’m constantly having eye-widening realisations that I have no idea what I’m doing, and as such shouldn’t give a shit. I say stupid things from time to time, but it’s not the be all and end all. A couple of years ago I was but a timid little child, stumbling through life feeling embarrassed about any slight trip up. From time to time that mindset still visits me, more frequently than I would like to admit. But I’m becoming a more laid back person, some may say on the way to ‘easy breezy’.

This may be highly unhelpful for anyone reading, but I think the point of these SCABs is to force us to reflect. God SCA does like us to reflect. I don’t do resolutions, but I reckon I can manage a New Year reflection with the anticipation to become more aware of when I’m acting like an idiot. So my New Year reflection is just that, becoming more self-aware. Correcting things when I’m out of line, but accepting it when I can’t control it. I never want to be someone who doesn’t care, but just care about the things that matter, and make changes when and where needed. My next SCAB will be more light and airy, promise.