By Melina Filippidou

I finally moved to London. I had to say goodbye to a lot of things, like many of you I guess. Some goodbyes were actually painful, when others were rather a relief. Saying goodbye to my loved ones was harder that I thought it would. I knew they wanted me to be all excited and strong, so that’s how I played it. And it was the plane passengers who saw my true feelings.

Although a great apartment and an even nicer flatmate found me here, and I’m about to dive into the SCA ocean with no reservations,  I still feel more like a new life chose me rather than I chose a new life. It is exciting and awkward at the same time. I longed for a big change, a new challenge, and now that this change is on my doorstep, part of me is going numb. I know that all beginnings are supposed to be –a little or more- hard, it’s just that I always considered myself as someone who embraces change, and I’m a bit disappointed at me when I chicken out.

However, I decided not to interpret this emotional status as a failure, but as a lesson for myself.  Instead of getting too excited too easily, and getting turned off equally fast, I need to be more patient and more cynical. Control my feelings. Strong feelings can easily distract someone from their goal, and it’s not like they can be switched off. But they can be controlled. By cynicism. If “cynicism” seems too negative a word, what I mean is become a pragmatist. I’m thinking that maybe putting my feelings aside doesn’t mean that I  ignore my emotions or my relationships, it just means that I consider them to be too powerful to be threatened by a busy schedule (or a 3h flight distance). Focus takes time to become a habit, and I cannot afford any distractions. Or-to avoid big words- I want this year to be drama-free, which is going to be hard for a committed drama queen like myself.

At some point I might also need to do something about my self-hatred, but for now that seems to be too difficult a task. An easier one is to become more organized.  I hardly get along with lists, programs and time management, and my daily activities schedule is usually a declaration of my love for chaos. Well, it’s not love per se, it’s probably just flirting. Nevertheless, I did try to take advantage of the Self Journal and put my work in order, hoping that within 21 days it would start seeming natural to me. Turns out, it is almost impossible to put your work in order while vacating (who knew…). But I’m not stressing out. I believe that committing to a goal means that one has to take one’s self seriously, and in order to take self seriously, one needs a really good reason. For me, this reason is coming on Tuesday, and it’s a fucking great one.