By Melina Filippidou
Last but not least
This is my last scab. For one last time I’m going to write about things I haven’t quite thought through because sometimes it takes some writing to do some thinking.
This year’s been an interesting challenge for me. While I’m typing these words my eyes are blurry, my finger tips are bleeding, I can taste my own sweat and I smell something like popcorn, which I’m pretty sure comes from my brain. But I’m alright. My knees are bendless. I am proud of me, not because of the work and the effort I’ve put in, but because I didn’t let this year change me. Truth being told, it would have been easy. There were times I was quite vulnerable and very tempted to give in to drama. The worst time was around April. What a month. My book was so sad I could actually compare it to self-help books. I was embarrassed that I didn’t come up with any good ideas. I was embarrassed that I couldn’t make it work with any of my partners. I was too embarrassed to share my feelings with anyone because I’d rather die than come off as weak. I could go on for a few more lines but I think you get the gist. The only two highlights that occurred during that dark period were an amazing conversation about politics with Steve Harrison, and seeing my family at half-term. That was until the first week of May, when my boyfriend sat me down and reminded me that when things get tough, the tough keep going. I decided I had to pick myself up, dust myself off and make my book the best it can be.
Well that didn’t happen straight away because life’s no Hollywood soccer movie. Like the awfully predictable ones, where the humble hero gets constantly knocked down until the final moments of the most important game, when everything goes slow-motion and he suddenly remembers those inspiring words grandpa said before he died and then he smashes it, his family cheers and celebrates, his secret crash french-kisses him and you can’t believe you wasted two hours of your life to watch this shit.
So yeah, that didn’t happen to me. But what did happen to me was I started pushing my limits. I kept working when my body was telling me the opposite. I stopped killing ideas I believed in. I stopped insisting on ideas that didn’t get me anywhere. I tried to find balance between listening to feedback and trusting my guts. I got back with the person I used to make good work with and I got my confidence back. I stopped comparing myself to other people. I chilled the fuck out. If September finds you in SCA, my advice to you is be tough, but play along.
Since this is the last one, I feel the need to thank some people.
But I’d rather do it in private. They know who they are.