By Dan Burkitt
Marc told us to be confident. I think I lack creative confidence. Marc also told us to create personas. So, the solution is obvious. I have created a persona, my creatively confident alter ego. His name is Johnny Blackpencil and the following is his first SCAB.
Fuck me, what a start to the term. I am a sponge. I am sponge full of creative juice. I’ve soaked it all up and now I produce gold. I make stuff that sticks. Stuff that sells. I’m not dying I’m selling. I could sell milk to cows. I could start an agency tomorrow.
It’s simple. It’s just about following the process and that’s what I do. And I do it brilliantly. I’m the most playful child in the room. I skip rings around everyone else and swing much higher. I’d smash them all at conkers. Adaptive wankers. Then I use that. I milk that playful child for all his beautiful creative juice.
Then I do 50 scamps a minute and they’re probably all worth a place on the wall. But will I care if you tell me to throw them all in the bin? Like fuck I will. I’ll just give you 50 more. I’ve got them in me. They’re stick men, but you’ll get the point. The point at the end of my perfect strategic triangle. I can brain vomit and I can evaluate. I can do it all.
You want straplines on those scamps? Simple? Rhyming? Punning? I can do them every which way and they all speak to a product truth. And they’re stickier than the glue you used to eat in nursery. They’re charming and rhyme just how you liked them in the 80s: “Make a will with Farewill, in case you become very ill”. Or I can make them people-pleasing and corporate: “We are Bold”. “Brighter Today, Greener Tomorrow”. This stuff writes itself.
Dots? Absolutely no problem, mate. How many do you need? I’m a well of cultural knowledge. I’ll take you to places you didn’t know existed. And I can turn it all to insight instantly. Instant insight. That’s what I give you. Then I give you lateral and literal creative solutions. Solutions that make money. Solutions that push boundaries and win awards. Solutions that are going to make me famous.
And I manage my time. I eat frogs every morning. I self-journal. I’ve got it all sorted. I’ll just have to step outside for 10 minutes to do some mindfulness before we start. I’ve got the top score on muse. And it’s going to stay there.
Bring on the rest of Term One. I am fucking flying.