By Jacob de Figueiredo
Jacob de Fig’s Weight Gain bonanza.
I’ve gained some weight. That my friends, is for certain.
I can’t quite put my finger on why or how it’s happened but it’s definitely happened. My mum always warned me that this day would come. She would always say “Jakey my handsome prince of a son *mwah*, you can’t sit on your arse watching Japanese cartoons and playing video games and eat what you want without any consequences. When you start getting older you won’t be able to pass the food through your digestive system at the rate you’re currently going at. Heed my warning, you’ll get fat.”
I didn’t listen. I never do. I’m not saying I’m fat either really, I’m just not stick thin like I used to be. I was twig boy, defender of the galaxy. The kind of man that would fall through the cracks in the floor if I turned on my side. However my friends, those days are over. I just can’t stop eating. I’m on about 4 items are Greggs and that’s not including a coffee. My partners started to get worried about me, he makes passing remarks about my extravagant lunch choices. My girlfriend rubs my belly like it’s our newborn child which she thinks is hilarious. and my Mum says oh wow looks like you’re eating well in London!!!! Mum stop it!!!! I’m 24 Mum!!!
It really snuck up on me like a demon in the night. My back was turned, the Greggs items just kept increasing and now I’m at the point of no return. I’m tipped over and fallen into the dark dark abyss where a Pret salad isn’t enough, nothing ever is. Those warm sausage rolls, steak bake with a caramel donut dessert offer me comfort that’s incomparable. When I’m full I feel as if everything right in the world. The clouds part and the sun shines brightly down upon me and my dirty Gregg’s pasty covered t shirt.
Im not sure where to really go from here. Do I just accept that is my life now and roll with it? It’s strange because when I was younger I always wanted to be a little fat. Now my prayers have been answered and I’m kinda happy with myself. Sometimes I like to let my t shirt ride up ever so slightly to reveal my voluptuous belly to the world and let them gaze upon my finest work.
I think this is a bit of an acceptance scab for me. Now I’ve recognised the problem maybe it’s time for change. Or maybe not. I refused to accept it at first. My girlfriend told me I’d gone up a trouser size last time we went shopping. I was a 32 and I fought my corner for a solid 15 minutes before purchasing them without even trying just to prove a point. I squeeze into them and it looked like someone had used jean textured paint on my legs. My stomach was bursting out the seemed but I put on a brave face. We went to watch avengers end game so I decided to go for wee before it started like a sensible little boy. My stomach erupted out of the trousers and I couldn’t do them up for the rest of the night. I had to tie my coat around my waist to hide my dirty dirty Gregg’s induced shame.
What a life.
Thanks for reading. It’s time for change before things get really out of hand.