By Alexandra Sims

It’s time I called myself out

I can’t put into words how I feel…is what I would say if I wasn’t trying to prove my worth with communication and writing capabilities. I will explain exactly how I feel at this point in time, approaching the SCA start line.

This year is a chance for honesty, brutal, necessary, self-efficacy shattering truth bombs. 

The following ‘introspections’ are taken from notes left on my phone during the past year and will be accompanied by how I now feel about these thoughts.

• “I’m not easily stressed, not to say I don’t work hard to meet deadlines.” Bullshit. I may be easy-going in temperament but with work I over think. I’m a serial procrastinator that leaves no other option but to work hard to scrape a deadline. This needs to stop and I need to stay on start or I won’t even glimpse the finishing flag.

• “I don’t shy away from hard work, demonstrated through my ability to multitask.” Bullshit. I will do what’s required of me but usually not before edging towards an exit to avoid being called upon. I can put my all into a task but I’d better do so with everything and be more forthcoming.

• “I find that it’s not the ideas I struggle with or even hurdles in creativity.” Bullshit. I don’t even know where this one was going. Of course the ideas are part of the struggle and not having any good ones is the no.1 fear. As for creative hurdles, I’ll fall flat on my face over at least 9 out of 10 of them until I learn the right striding technique.

• “Let’s -do-this energy, be up all night mentality. Fun Chaos.” Bullshit. I seldom enjoy the wrong side of midnight anymore and just the thought of a chaotic, time pressured, work sleepover wears me out. I’d better suck it up and be prepared for 24 hour, lunacy-fuelled sessions.

• “Last week I had my first panic attack. It took me by complete surprise and I couldn’t really be sure what had gripped me till after the shaking had subsided and google informed me of the fact. I have no clue as to what onset this anxiety flood through my system but I expect it will be the first of many uncomfortable or daunting experiences to jump out on me this year and I’m going to fully embrace every one. No bullshit. I can shake, scream, seethe and shed tears but I won’t be backing down.

So, here I am asking you, SCA, to welcome me into your noogie’d embrace and tussle my head raw until I’m strong enough to push you away and thank you for the tough love. I don’t have a sibling but I’d like you to be the one I fight with until we’ve grown to appreciate each other.