By Josie Finlay

HUSH: What help will you be to me in the apocalypse? Round Two

You can stop counting down the days now – it’s round two of What Help Would You Be To Me In The Apocalypse.

Lauren – nuclear fallout is bound to wreak havoc on the skin. But thanks to Lauren’s arsenal of lotions and creams, we’d all stay moisturised to the bitter end.

Leli – Whether it’s sparkly leggings or sharp blazers, Leli dresses like a woman who knows exactly what she’s doing. It’s good to believe that someone’s in charge even if they’re panicking just like the rest of us scruffy slops.

Lucy – Lucy has some nifty freeloading skills – she gives herself a perfect weekly makeover using testers from Mac. So there’s no doubt she’d be able to sneak us plenty of extra tins of spam and Ambrosia rice pudding.

Maddy – Maddy is known for her iconic and stylish large glasses. It’s certainly a look, but they’d also be useful for doing that thing where you make fire using a magnifying glass. (Never really understood that)

Mary – Mary is a famous tech whiz, so she’d be able to hack into whatever sinister systems are governing our lives.

Marta – I feel like Marta would be one of those people that would give up on survival after a bit and just try and enjoy it while it lasted. She’d be able to sniff out the last remaining pub on earth and maybe even an underground (deep underground) live music venue, who knows. Salud baby

Max – Give a damp dishcloth to Max and he’ll make it look cool. He could design our hazmat suits or something. If we’re going to die, we might as well do it looking sexy.

Patxi – Patxi must get stressed sometimes, but he never really shows it. He’d be our resident oasis of calm as everyone outside ran around shrieking. Losers!

Phil – With his darts-honed precision and gym-honed biceps, Phil would be lethal at the crossbow. Our very own Katniss Everdeen <3

Rachel – Did you know that filthy innuendos are one of the most powerful renewable energy sources? We’d be all good for ages with Rachel around.

Ruby – I’ll never forget when Ruby took charge of that chaotic twitter brief in first term. A man who can achieve that can salvage any disastrous situation. I hope there will still be flip charts in the apocalypse because then Ruby could make Plan Of Action bullet points and circle them with a magic marker.

Saphire – She’d be really inspired by seeing the skin melt off all our bodies and we’d become her muses. I’ve had skin on my body all my life and never been anyone’s muse so this would be a great opportunity for me.

Sophie – Sophie looks quite sweet. Don’t be fooled. My girl has done some strange and unhinged things in her time. She forced SCA to adopt a crustacean, for heaven’s sake. She’s the perfect decoy device.

Tom – I’ve seen people rub Tom up the wrong way. Trust me, they regretted it. We’d be absolutely sorted for defence with Tom around.  

Tarun – Haters will say Nutella is bad for you. But we all know that it’s packed with calcium. Tarun’s daily intake must be off the charts – and a man with strong bones and teeth is just what we’ll need when things get violent.

Vic – Fluent in both the language of love/pasta and the language of Boris Johnson, Vic will be our head of communications.

Zoe – Zoe definitely knows a lot of spoon-based self-defense tricks. Speaking of which, who remembers the Spoon Killer?

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We’ll end on that. Phew. Thanks.