By the (as yet unnamed) 2014/15 intake
Inspired by Niall Ashdown’s IMPROV workshop we decided to reenact an activity he taught us and use this as the theme for our first group SCAB. Having introduced us to the art of collaborative storytelling – trusting the person who comes after you and building upon the person who came before you – each of us could only write one line and then pass the baton to the next author. 39 people, 39 lines and one freshly baked Marc Lewis.
I was at the pub last night and found 10 pound note in the toilet.
I handed it to the bathroom attendant and in return he handed me a small packet.
He said ” thanks mate ! Let me give you some advice “.
‘Don’t ever look a goat straight in the eyes’ He said. I opened the packet and found a piece of lego.
I walked back into the pub, and all was seemingly normal, but then – out of nowhere – a stranger ran in with another piece and shouted in desperation, wondering whether anyone else had theirs.
I slowly closed my hand around the small red brick in my pocket, hoping another man would answer the newcomer. A few moments passed before I drew a deep breath and said…
“Sir, I think I may have what you’re looking for.” He ran over to where I was standing, fell to his knees and……
….sang a magical tune into a mysterious looking golden box. Out of nowhere, a genie appeared.
In a thick peruvian accent the genie screamed, “I can’t stand the smell of cheesy cauliflower, and you my boy, reek of it”
Although slightly offended, I decided to take advantage of this rare opportunity. “Genie”, I said, “I’m glad you’re here. I’ve got some questions to which I need answers.”
“Question number one… Which deodorant do you recommend for me to disguise my toxic odour?” I asked. “Question number two… are you single?” The Genie, with a wry smile, turned to me and said…
“HA! I don’t answer questions! I grant wishes! Did you not ever see Aladdin?”
“No, actually I grew up in Newport and we didn’t really got telly there until the nineties”
There was a loud bang and another genie appeared ‘Isn’t a question just a wish for an answer?’
The first genie couldn’t hide his jealousy, he began to tremble and shake, violently changing colour from purple to green to blue. Within 5 minutes he had exploded leaving the second genie staring at his remaining clothes. He looked up and screamed.
His voice was trembling and his eyes darted around the room as if searching for something. “This can only mean one thing,” he whispered…
“What ever do you mean Geni….”
“Schyy!!,” he hissed at me and put his chubby finger over my lips.
“Has anyone ever told you the purpose of life?”
I took a moment to take in the situation. This is the perfect time to discover the answer to one of lifes most valued questions or perhaps I should ask how Darth Vader could somehow breathe and talk at the same time…
“The meaning of life is simple.” Said the remaining Genie. “Floss.”…
“But don’t talk about Darth Vader in front of me, this guy has stolen some of my super powers. Guess which ones?…..”
Yes and what about global warming? i think it’s his fault.
Suddenly, Peggy came running out behind the bar yelling, “GEEET OUT OF MAH PUB”.
Everbody ran out in terror, but I stood rooted to the spot. Peggy glared at me fiercely and then started to run at me head first. Then she….
…called kermit and asked him to come and serve me a beer, but he was in a middle of a play so he could’nt. Done Søren
So then I turned round to Peggy and growled “LEAVE IT AAHHHT.”
She turned back to me and screamed at the top of her voice “YOUR FAMILY!”
“Eastenders is like a sewer running through your living room” my Mum often remarks.
“now be quiet son, Corrie is about to start”
I sighed and said “Ok whatever, could we go back to my smelling problem? There’s a Geni that came from nowhere just for me so I’d like to enjoy it if you don’t mind.”
All the Genies and Peggy began to make love to one another.
And 9 months later…Marc was born,
wearing shoes made of lies and leather, complimented with trousers crafted from Churchills moustache.
He quickly took to the seven seas, accompanied only by his best friend Charlotte (who was a very cynical dwarf).
Marc and Charlotte searched the seven seas looking for Warwick Davis who had been abusive to Charlotte in a previous relationship.
While searching the seven seas they came across a mysterious desert island filled with dead cats.
Marc, ever thrifty, fashioned himself several pairs of ridiculous trousers from the cat remains. When suddenly a blood drenched Warwick Davis appeared from the jungle and…
I realised it was all a dream and I needed to start my first day at the SCA.
And as I woke up, I thought, “what a clichéd ending.”