By Lauren Peters

 

Film (that I am bang not up for watching) review

Marc: Watch a film you’d never normally watch.

Me: (Types ‘greatest Western of all time’ into Google). ‘The Good the Bad and the Ugly’ – yes, I’ve heard of that. (Cross references with IMDb, Rotten Tomatoes and The Guardian). Seems legit.

What better way to reflect on a film than by providing a running commentary of exactly what I think, when I think it? Hence:

A running commentary of exactly what I think, when I think it

(Needless to say, this scab contains spoilers).

2 hrs 58 mins (Sure. Yep. Just bare with my while I stock up on A LIFETIME SUPPLY OF BUTTERKIST).

00.00.21 Gunshot a la the sound effect you used to get on keyboards back when Ricky Martin’s ‘Livin’ La Vida Loca’  was hip enough to warrant the position of ‘pre-installed melody of choice on beginner instruments at Argos’.

00.00.25 Sex is cool, yeah. But have you seen Sergio Leone’s transitions? A comprehensive exploration into the animation sequences Microsoft Powerpoint 2003 has to offer.

00.01.18 Credit to ‘Luigi Pistilli, Claudio Scarcilli, Bento Steanelli…’ It would appear I am 1.18 mins into a ’thatsa spicy meataball’ spaghetti epic.

00.01.39 A yodelling classic. Lyrics close to, but not verbatim:

Wa-wa-wa-wa-waaaa wa wa waaa

Wa-wa-wa-wa-waaaa wa wa waaa

Wa-wa-wa-wa-waaaa wa wawawaaaaaa

Wa-wa-wa-wa-waaaa wa waaa

00.04.20 First sighting of tumbleweed.

00.05.30 Someone say something, please.

00.06.00 T minus 3 men.

00.06.38 If you shut your eyes you might be mistaken for thinking a beautiful someone is bathing in a fountain. If you open them, you’ll see a donkey drawing water from a well.

00.08.30 Still no one has said anything.

00.09.30 Cowboy enters with an uncanny resemblance to Weasel from The Wind in the Willows. Sits opposite a slightly more ‘please sir can I have some more’ version of Dave Buonoguidi.

00.10.32 DAVE BUONOGUIDI SPEAKS. Thank you Dave, for breaking the silence. Sorry, yes, suspense. Suspense is what I meant.

00.10.45 Either I’m watching a monumentally out of sync film or… that’s precisely what I’m doing.

00.10.50 Something about a case and some coins and a man named Bill Carson.

00.15.00 Wa-wa-wa-wa-waa (adagio). I was the kid that revised music theory and all the necessary tempo markings for the sake of an exam and one other undisclosed assessment: this scab.

00.20.45 Two mahogany armchairs appear on screen.

00.20.37 Eastwood lights a cigarette on his shoe.

00.22.35 Eastwood shoots some guy loose from a noose.

00.25.30 Lip syncing really starting to fall apart now.

00.38.00 Loose from a noose guy is in a dyer state of affairs and in need of some Vaseline having just walked 70 miles through the desert and now sporting a look not that dissimilar to the craggy-humanoid-strongman-dubbed-‘Thing’ from Fantastic Four.

00.38.20 ‘If you work for a living, why do you kill yourself working?’ Profound.

00.42.05 SIDE BURNS

Self-administered interval (the film has the pace of an 18th century novel, and I’m struggling). 

00.46.00 A literal cinematic orchestra.

00.51.40 Dead people.

00.53.00 Weasel bribes a bloke with alcohol. Seems he’s not bothered about the backwash.

00.53.50 I retract my statement. Weasel tells the bloke he can keep the bottle.

00.54.00 The most Western of all the Western shots. (Trust).

00.55.26 Boot flares? Research boot flares.

00.59.30 It’s hard to take noose from the loose seriously when he’s carrying that pink parasol. It just seems so exceptionally wrong.

01.15.21 What about the horses? SOMEONE WATER THE HORSES!

1.39.00 Is it an endangered Panthera Leo Leo caught on audio in the depths of Western Africa? Or the sound of a newly unblocked kitchen sink? No, it’s the world’s most unconvincing stomach rumble.

Contemplating fast-forwarding.

Resisting contemplation in the name of an honest and comprehensive reflection.

1.55.00 Gruesome scene involving a head, a hard rock, and some smashing.

Second self-administered interval. Boredom mounting.

02.02.30 A very impressive death by gun.

02.15.36 It has taken me THIS long to Google why the lip syncing is so bad. Right. Yes. Okay. Makes sense. I’m watching the Italian version with English subtitles. Dick.

02.24.14 Still not entirely sure why there’s a war going on.

02.29.00 Bridge explodes.

02.30.00 More loud noises.

2.44 Standoff i.e. the most ludicrous marathon series of shots – ludicrous given all that happens is an exchange of shifty Anne Robinson sideways glances. I pity whoever had to storyboard this:

Loose from noose (L) body

Weasel (W) body

Eastwood (E) body

Over the shoulder E

Over the shoulder L

Over the shoulder W

Hand W

Hand E

Hand L

Face L

Face E

Face W

Close up E

Close up W

Close up L

Gun L

Close up W

Close up L

Gun L

Close up E

Close up L

Close up E

Close up L

Gun W

Close up W

Gun L

Close up W

Gun W

Close up E

Gun W

Close up W

Close up E

Close up L

Close up E

Close up W

Creeping hand W

Close up W

Close up E

Close up L

Close up W

Creeping hand W

Eyes W

Eyes L

Eyes W

Creeping hand W

Eyes W

Eyes E

Eyes L

Creeping hand W

Eyes W

Eyes E

Eyes L

Hand E

Hand W

Hand L

Eyes E

Eyes L

Eyes W

2.54.00 I bet you 47p Eastwood shoots him loose from the noose like old times.

2.55.00 Well done me.

Fin.