By Leonore Leitner
Feeling slow and low
Procrastination has reached its peak. Every time I wanted to write a SCAB I instead started reading the ones online from the new intake and drifted off. Reading all of these SCAB’s made my procrastinating even worse, thinking about how amazing all of the others are and how I need to write about something smashing. But I know if I start thinking like this I will never be satisfied with what I wrote, so here is a rough SCAB, just about how I’m feeling 470 (approximately) hours away from the first day at SCA.
I’m not really feeling on that high anymore. Not like when I have been informed that I got into SCA 2 weeks ago. Since then I’ve been to new heights of positive emotions, but now it slowly turns into a roller coaster of mixed feelings. I’m still so excited when I think about starting there. Going to such an incredible place and learning from and with the most inspiring people still makes me smile when I think about it and gives me this feeling of nervousness deep down in my stomach.
But slowly after getting in, reality started crawling back from my shortly suppressed consciousness, remembering me how much I have to do before I start and how little time remains. SO LITTLE TIME. And I love stress, I need it, but not a stress where I know there’s not enough time to finish everything I have planned to do. And I wanna do better than good from the first day on, I want to start rested, without any stress or commenced things I still have to finish. But my stress dreams already started to wake me up in the morning and the procrastination has not yet reached an end.
Actually I’m working on a lot of things, but I’m so slow right now. And besides my slow working, I also can’t concentrate… I recently hurt the feelings of someone I truly love really badly. I feel so sorry for what I did, it’s really consuming my thoughts. It’s the whole time present in my head. I’m thinking about it all of the time, regretting decisions I’ve made. And I know regretting makes no sense at all because I can’t change the things I did, I can just try to make the best of it and learn from the situation. I’m really learning from it! This whole situation, that hurt her so much, only happened because I wasn’t totally honest. Actually not honest at all, not to myself, not to her. Although this already happened before and I had planned that it’s my time for absolute honesty from then on because also in the past I let situations happen I’m not proud of, just because I couldn’t be as honest as I wish I were. But I will take the chance to learn and grow from my mistakes this time, although it hurts and it seems like I had to learn it the hard way.
Sometimes I think true brutal honesty comes with a lot of gut (and maybe some kind of I don’t give a f*ck attitude) and I’m still not sure why I am not able to do it sometimes (but probably because of my very existing fear of rejection). I want to change this for such a felt long time now, but somehow I’m still living my patterns. Still procrastinating, still self-doubting, still not as honest as I wish I’d be. But I’m really working on it and I feel like moving to a new city, where I barely know anyone, will help me with this. I’m so glad for this move, for this kind of fresh start with a lot of changes that for sure will support me in changing and breaking my patterns. But although I can’t wait to breathe the fresh air of London soon, I have to confess that it’s a wired feeling leaving a city with someone hurt left behind.