By Twyla Liden

 

Clammy Hands

So here’s the deal. Clammy hands. What to do about them?

 

Either you got them or you don’t. Either you feel it or you don’t.

 

I’ve been blessed with the clammy hand syndrome. It’s great.

 

I love shaking hands because I’m real good at it, but damn does my

clammy hands get in the way.

 

There are three different ways my handshakes can go down;

 

Perfectly.

 

It’s dry as a desert. My hand is firm as a fish. The shake is steady

as a steamroller.

 

Moderately well.

 

I do the cupping technique. You form a lil cave with your hand. The

other person will 100% know I’m hiding something. But I save them

from drowning in the tsunami of hand sweat I have produced.

 

Every. Fucking. Time.

 

We’re approaching each other. You’re an ECD. I’m a fart in space.

 

We’ve locked eyes and my hand automatically goes for the preparation

wipe on my trousers. You see what I’ve done, I see that you’ve seen

what I’ve done. There’s no turning back. My hand leaves the comfort

of my absorbent trousers and reaches out, in hopes of getting a

couple of extra seconds of drying time.

 

Your hand touches mine, and the deed is done. I retract my hand in

shame and break eye contact. You smile awkwardly trying to pretend

this didn’t just happen and we never shake hands again. We say

goodbye with a respectful non-physical head nod and get on with our

lives.

 

But you know what, half of the time, the person opposite me has just

as clammy hands, and it brings me joy. Also, when mi hands are

sweating it means I’m nervous, so technically you should take it as

a compliment next time you embrace a clammy hand. It’s a sign of

respect. Be thankful.

 

If you think clammy hands are gross, take a second to think, why are

they gross?

 

Really though, why? I would understand if the clam juice actually

smelled just like clam juice,

 

but it doesn’t. Have you ever smelled a clammy hand? I sure haven’t.

 

Just saying.