By Twyla Liden
So here’s the deal. Clammy hands. What to do about them?
Either you got them or you don’t. Either you feel it or you don’t.
I’ve been blessed with the clammy hand syndrome. It’s great.
I love shaking hands because I’m real good at it, but damn does my
clammy hands get in the way.
There are three different ways my handshakes can go down;
It’s dry as a desert. My hand is firm as a fish. The shake is steady
as a steamroller.
I do the cupping technique. You form a lil cave with your hand. The
other person will 100% know I’m hiding something. But I save them
from drowning in the tsunami of hand sweat I have produced.
Every. Fucking. Time.
We’re approaching each other. You’re an ECD. I’m a fart in space.
We’ve locked eyes and my hand automatically goes for the preparation
wipe on my trousers. You see what I’ve done, I see that you’ve seen
what I’ve done. There’s no turning back. My hand leaves the comfort
of my absorbent trousers and reaches out, in hopes of getting a
couple of extra seconds of drying time.
Your hand touches mine, and the deed is done. I retract my hand in
shame and break eye contact. You smile awkwardly trying to pretend
this didn’t just happen and we never shake hands again. We say
goodbye with a respectful non-physical head nod and get on with our
But you know what, half of the time, the person opposite me has just
as clammy hands, and it brings me joy. Also, when mi hands are
sweating it means I’m nervous, so technically you should take it as
a compliment next time you embrace a clammy hand. It’s a sign of
respect. Be thankful.
If you think clammy hands are gross, take a second to think, why are
Really though, why? I would understand if the clam juice actually
smelled just like clam juice,
but it doesn’t. Have you ever smelled a clammy hand? I sure haven’t.