By Tom Flynn
Black and Blue.
I’m tired. Real tired. Just about ticking over.
I sleep but it’s never enough, I wake up angry, and all I wanna do is sleep more. It’s like topping up a tank just enough to keep it sucking on fumes.
I have no time, I never believed people who said that, still don’t, but it feels like I have no time. I get up I work I leave I’m on a bus I work I work I work I walk I eat I work I work I work I walk I’m a train I read I I walk I get on another train I read I walk I fight I shower I walk I’m on a train I walk I’m on a train I walk I’m on a bus I walk I’m home I boil pasta I work I eat I work I read I sleep.
That’s fine. I quite like it. I like busy. I like to move. Still is scary.
But I stopped having fun. I don’t know when, but I did. Or at least the fun became less frequent. I laugh less, get excited less, brains wired up too tight. Always working, need to harder need to work more. Need to work better. Worried about work. Works not good enough, work should be better, take that work worry to my other work. That works not great either.
I’m sore too, my neck hurts. Discs probably. no time to get it fixed. Scared to get it fixed. Scared they’ll say rest. Don’t like rest. Rest means no fighting. Rather be dead than not fighting, can’t work if I can’t fight, brain doesn’t work that way. Weights help, they’re hard work, but good work. Work you can feel you did. Know it’s good work.
I’m just a little blue. It happens. Blue is fine, we all get blue. But it’s not blue I’m worried about. Worried about black. Scared of the blackness. Blue is don’t want to don’t like don’t care. Black is won’t . Black is can’t. Never see the black coming. Creeps in. Wake up one day and wonder when it all got so black. Can’t feel much but the blackness. Fleshy automaton nothing but black. Always better to be blue than black. Not black,not yet, but scared of black. Gotta Watch out for the black.
Doing all the things to keep the black at bay. Meditate exercise work exercise work meditate. Still blue. Scared of black. What if the work doesn’t work. What if it still goes black. Scared of black.
Need a hug, need a drink, shouldn’t drink, can I’ve a hug?