By Max Lom-Bor

Beauty and the beast.

The quest for random literary knowledge began when I selected a beautiful array of ‘lifestyle and beauty’ mags. The judgmental Danraj at the counter of WHS Smiths seemed concerned. I assured him it was for research purposes, and his female co worker slyly smirked. Little did she know, in 4 short reading hours, I would be able to inform her that the smirk lines around the corners of her mouth could benefit from the latest MaxFactor concealer. 

Besides Kimmi K’s latest return to the Insta-sphere (#shock #finally) I’ve learnt that some girls have it tough. I think I’ve mapped out a basic make-up process, so here goes. 

For some girls the ‘out out’ preparation is something like this: You get your primer, something that makes all your skin the same tone. Then your foundation, that is the same colour as your skin and covers up crap on your face. If you have more crap on your face which the foundation layer didn’t deal with. Cover up that crap with more crap; concealer. Should the crap on the face not be covered by the initial three layers of crap, use some powder on those shiny areas until you resemble a flawless waxwork. Base complete. 

Now mascara. You’ve seen this one, but there are about a billion types which boast subtly different ‘thickening qualities’. Select your poison and continue the artistic assault. On with the eye liner. Advertising tells us that it makes your eyes ‘pop’ – an odd selling point for an eye product. 

All this time I thought I was getting screwed by the new Gilette super manly skin removing soothing improving mega beer lads razor. How blind I’ve been. WE’RE ONLY AT EYES! Ok, power through. Eyebrows – pencil or paint? This is art! Some people actually paint in bits of eyebrow that don’t even exist! Then eye shadow; a tonal, single colour or glittery mess. There is more skill involved in this than any highest end of art degree illustration. 

Lips can involve THREE products sometimes. The line around the middle of the lips, the base colour and a thin pencil line around the outside. Then blend that all together. Just bare in mind, by this point most guys have done the traditional ‘2 sprays up top’ ‘1 down there’ ritual and are halfway down the northern line. This excludes me of course (I’m really into my hair). 

Blusher (pink stuff on cheeks) or bronzer (orange stuff on cheeks). The aesthetic sensation that makes cheekbone structure genetically subnormal. We’re over five layers deep now. 

Aren’t you exhausted? I get a stitch putting on my socks in the morning, some people are literally painting themselves every day, even to pop down the shops for a Wispa. The money involved in this craft alone is staggering, let alone the effort. 

Highlighter is used to brighten up facial features. Contouring kits are just a bit mental. It’s like becoming an airbrushed glamour model, sort of. As thick as acrylic paint and probably stains clothing just the same. You apply different colours to each section of the face and magically you are gifted with a nose half the width or a jaw that could cut through metal. 

I got a shock here. I’m really impressed by it all though, so much work, before you even get to work! In some ways I do see it as an art form. However, a sad part is all the pressure some girls must feel to keep up. Look, Grazia and Glamour perpetuate false perceptions of beauty through painted role models. Aesthetic aspirations for young girls must be twisted nowadays more than ever.

Oh, and I watched a Netflix show about escort girls in London, but I don’t want to talk about that, it’s not worth it.