By Matthew Kennedy
For god sake, its the penultimate day of half term, almost the ultimate day and Ive got to write a SCAB. That is what a lesser man than I would think.
But me. No. This is a wondrous opportunity to put down my beer. Stop talking to my loved ones and remind myself of all the stresses in my life.
I am of course joking.
This is a wondrous opportunity to tell you about a man called Barry.
Barry likes to ask me random questions.
What is the best colour of dress to wear to a prom?
Barry if you are wearing dresses to a prom, at your age, I salute you. Go with black, cut just above the knee. Fail safe.
Have you ever been in China?
Are you trying to sell Amoy to me? Got you there Barry, don’t know what to do when the questions comes at you, do you, DO YOU Barry.
Ho wold were you when you learned to swim?
Ho wold? Are you in China Barry?
Do you feel uncomfortable if someone who you don’t know is physically close to you?
No because afterwards I will know them and therefore will forget that I ever didn’t know them. Are you coming onto me Barry?
What is on the walls of the room you are in?
Depends which wall Barry.
Seen anything weird lately?
Yes. Closed question Barry, back to school for you!
What is the last film you saw?
I was half way through The Hateful Eight till you pipped up. So far so good, always a fan of Tarantino’s dialogue Barry.
If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?
If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy?
A coffee holder for my bike Barry.
Tell me something about you that most people don’t know.
I have a large gap between my big toe and the others which means I can swim at Olympic speeds Barry.
If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?
Cliche question mate, move it along Barry.
Do you like to dance?
I like to jack, Barry.
Does your name make any interesting anagrams?
A few yes Barry. Naked Tweet Hymn but more interestingly I was always told Kennedy meant great chief in latin. But apprently it in fact means ugly head.
Who made the last incoming call on your phone?
Cant tell you that, my phone water-boarded itself by way of a political statement Barry.
What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer?
A red heart icon Barry. I then turned it orange. Im a creative.
Last time you swam in a pool?
In Berlin around 6 months ago Barry, do you not remember?
Are you listening to music right now?
The innocent drone of an iMac heating fan Barry.
What colour is your bedroom carpet?
A bluely grey but it depends on three things Barry. The light, the proximity of my head to the carpet and the location of my glasses. GIven that I think its actually mutli coloured. Isnt everything?
If you could change something about your home, without worry about expense or mess, what would you do?
I would kill the downstairs neighbour Barry.
What was the last thing you bought?
Actually alright answer this, I brought two whole spit roast Lambs Barry.
Have you ever ridden on a motorbike?
Yes and no Barry.
Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?
No and Yes Barry.
Do you have a garden?
Keep it professional Barry.
END OF QUESTIONS
OK so in all honesty Barry doesn’t exist. Im sorry.
I could try and backwards engineer this task to being linked to some sort of creative technique or I could throw in a few cliché lessons from my learning but I feel that would do you a disservice.
There was no (planned) point to this.
Its the end of a productive half term (future students don’t be fooled HALF TERM = WORK FROM WHERE YOU LIKE WEEK) and having found myself in what I would hope is the busiest time in the course (don’t doubt this will be proved wrong shortly) it has genuinely helped me relax, smile and let loose.
So actually I think I might have just invented a creative technique?
ps. Yes Im letting loose with a fictional character called Barry. I am in fact just talking to myself. Marc what have you done to my brain.