By Joe Fraser

A SCAB That’s Actually Reflective

Wow. No listicles à la Buzzfeed this week about what kind of SCA wanker you are (though stay tuned for next time that because that sounds hilariously inappropriate). And no cop-out SCABs that are just a link to a play I’ve been trying to write. Marc said SCABs are a time to get your thoughts on the page. To talk about mentors. To talk about your life. So, fuck it. Let’s just do that for once.

For this SCAB, I’m actually going to try and think about the things that have happened to me recently and talk them out over a public platform.

To start off, my dog is very ill. I’m clearly going in order of importance. She’s got an eye infection that has been consistent for a good few months. What’s going on? We have no idea. We’ve applied the right medicine to no result. So, now she has to wear the cone of shame (a phrase immortalised by the film ‘UP’). Another thing was that she had a potentially dangerous cyst removed from her side. The vet wasn’t sure and neither was another so they said ‘better to be safe than sorry’ and sliced it off. Not that suddenly or viciously mind you. It was a very controlled operation where Poppy (the aforementioned doggo) was put under. The operation apparently is getting better but the eye is still dodgy.

It’s the same for many people but my dog is genuinely part of the family. We’ve had a lot of deaths in the Fraser clan and she’s been a constant source of joy and comfort for all of us at even the most trying of times. If you don’t understand how this is possible then I recommend the Netflix series ‘After Life’ with Ricky Gervais. The guy’s big personality can rub people the wrong way a lot of the time but I feel like a lot of his shows actually deal with big issues very well. Where ‘The Office’ is essentially about loneliness, ‘After Life’ is about death. Pretty big issues to deal with.

I’m dealing with a crisis of moving home as well. Now, I’ve been very fortunate in that my parents have helped me with rent because I pay for the school and I saved up and didn’t travel and I pay all the bills and went out to find work or study etc etc etc. Great stuff. But now I’m faced with the prospect of being under the control of my parents again and I don’t know what it is but it feels like a step backwards. I moved out, found something important to invest my time in and am now going back. And I know that many people as SCA live at home but I’m sure they’ve had the same feeling at one point or another. It’s something to get used to for sure but at least my mum is a great cook. Still, my flatmate Toby makes a great curry as well. No, Joe. Reflect. Okay. I tried also to find a place with cheaper rent but the end of SCA is so different for everyone and finding work that it’s too much of a risk. Ugh.

The biggest thing is recently coming out of a relationship. Shit! Shock! Horror! For all the people that didn’t know that is. But news spreads faster than herpes so I’m sure it ain’t news at all. I am trying to get used to it. My phone doesn’t buzz as much. My hand was so used to checking my pocket. And it’s weird not planning a weekend with someone. I keep expecting to be asked “so meet on Saturday morning?”. I feel like I’ve lost a limb sometimes when I’m alone and it’s a bit quiet. Maybe less graphic than that but you hopefully get the idea. I’m not running around screaming or anything. Definitely less blood. But I got some advice from my grandma once: “Life’s awful. Just awful.” That was it really. I had to coax a good ending out of her but she did eventually say more: “Life’s awful. And good moments are slim. So, recognise when you’re in a good moment and remember it and hold onto it.” Cheesy? Yes. God, so damn cheesy. But she’s been through a lot of shit in her life that makes my problems feel tiny. I don’t know if that’s a good feeling or not but it helps me put things in perspective.

I’m not sure how to be reflective really. I just revealed some insecurities about myself which I’m uncomfortable with doing normally. Is that how you reflect? You make yourself a bit vulnerable? I’m not entirely sure but it has been difficult writing this SCAB. This SCAB could have been way more soppy but I’ve tried to keep that to a minimum and just be honest. No metaphors or big poems about what’s going on in my head. I feel like people can roll their eyes at that shit. Just pure, stream of consciousness. My words on a page. Or computer rather. Keeping things intense with work have helped. It’s nice to create distractions for the time being. But yeah. What more is there to to say except ‘WHAT’S THE BIG IDEA?’ or ‘DEAR GOD GIVE ME A PLACEMENT/JOB/FOOD?’ At least for now.

Love,

Joe x