Dear Marc,

I’d like to formally announce my plans to take over your SCA institution within the next 3 years. 

After spending another year here I believe I’ll be able to go straight into a full time mentoring role alongside Mike, Pete, Dave Dye, Paul, Dusty, Rob, Chris, Caz and DJ. 

Instead of students just putting their names on my list, I’ll be taking over your old office. Above the stairs. Oh! I’ll be moving my new bed in. The resurrected coffin. I do promise though that I’ll keep it tidy. But how? I’ll outsource the cleaning process to students that want to spend time with me. 

The following year I will have to depart for almost 12 months as Pete and I plan to start our own agency on a Canal boat. I’m just confirming that I do infact have my Australian boat license. However, I wonder if it will be valid here?

Let’s be real Marc. You remind me of Arsène Wenger. I’m not saying that everyone wants you out. I’m just saying the ‘Invincible Season’ is already be behind you. 

You should leave on a high note. You’ve done what you set out to do with the recent class of 2019. They are all absolute superstars. But isn’t it all starting to feel like ‘Groundhog Day? 

It’s now 2022.

My black velvet odd legged pants and I will arrive on day one. Walking stick in hand. Topper on me noggin. 

Those late for town hall will feel my wrath. 

No dancing.

3 minutes in the coffin. 

We won’t paint mugs. We’ll paint the coffin.

As the new Dean all master classes will be replaced by Mongolian chanting sessions. These will also take place each day before town hall. 

Here is an extract of the daily chant:

‘All hail the original Dean.

He lies in a coffin only to dream.

On the surface so wonderful, he will seem.

Defect from his system and he’ll be very mean.

His yellow teeth and our blue moods shall make a luminous green.’

Meals: 

Lunch will be different. We’ll all eat together on one big long beige banquet table. In order for students to become Dean they must eat like Dean. Nandos 3 times a week. Pret everyday in between. And on the odd occasion a packet of Rountrees fruit pastels should do the trick.

Uniform policy: 

To be Dean you will have to dress like Dean. Everyday. Homeless-chic means Lauren’s trousers must have jerk chicken on them. Your shirts must be doused in Colman’s mustard. Shorts in the style of Andy will be permitted. 

Deans System: 

I will conduct school in a slightly different manner. Students will work side by side everyday in the style of 1000 scamps. A cracking atmosphere! Those who don’t make it to the end of the session will be eliminated immediately. They will be banished to Brixton prison! 

Dovening will be mandatory before town hall. We must pray to our grim lord Dean. 

Established in 1994.

Finally Max, Marcia and Amy must receive daily pedicures from the mouths of our fellow students. They will be monitored by Alex Taylor. 

Marc, I’ll copy Ruby and the agencies into this email in the afternoon. 

Please understand that I have your best interests at heart. The future of SCA is in my pants.

The baton has been passed. 

Antonio will be made God parent of the school. 

From now on please contact me on sca1dean@gmail.com

Seriously though Marc. 

Thanks for believing in me. 

Again.

Oh and I was wrong. 

Our invincible season is still ahead of us. 

The Dean